Boothy’s ProTips for Better Living #5

Be rude to Telemarketers

Once upon a time back in the days when I believed in affirmative action [I'd just finished reading the Dalai Lama's Art of Happiness], I decided that being nice to people under all circumstances was something that would benefit mankind, and in turn, myself [because that's what it's all about. Screw mankind]. During those hazy days in Mortdale we’d get on average 5 or 6 unsolicited phone calls per week, and I got into the habit of listening quietly to the sales pitch, before politely informing the person on the phone that I wasn’t really interested, but that I wished them all the best nonetheless.

The four things I enjoy doing most when at home are sleeping, eating, watching DVDs and playing counter-strike. Whether I’m chowing down on my awesome spag bol, watching Bruce Lee punch someone in the testicles, dreaming about Milla Jovovich or planting the bomb under heavy machine gun fire, the last thing I want is some talentless drone trying to sell me cutlery insurance. A man [or a 27 year old boy like me] can only take so much. Eventually my telemarketer phone-manner became more and more coarse, until I got to the stage where I’d just yell “I DON’T BELIEVE IN TELEMARKETING, F&#$ OFF!” into the phone and hang up.

And then something amazing happened. The phone stopped ringing.

Little did I know that by being nice all those years, I had been placed into some kind of ‘sap spreadsheet’ and passed around the telemarketing industry. Next to my name and number was probably a comment like ‘this guy is so nice, he’s totally going to buy something sooner or later, keep bugging him until he cracks’. But by shouting and swearing and generally being a large jerk, I had managed to make it into the Telemarketer Black Book of ‘psycho’s not to call’ which suits me just fine. It turns out being an abusive, loudmouthed asshole has it’s advantages.

Take that, Buddhism.

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2 Responses to Boothy’s ProTips for Better Living #5

  1. tone says:

    Ive only recently had my landline connected, and have just hung up on my 1st telemarketer. He didnt even get a chance to say what he was selling.
    Its incredibly liberating.

  2. Zelethia says:

    Agreed, after politely asking many Telemarketers to remove me from the call list with no respite, I mentioned to my last Telemarketer that I wished I could see her face to face so that I could put a knife to her throat. It worked.

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